Any cruelty harmful to family

  • Published
  • By Jim Yang-Hellewell
  • 56th Medical Operations Squadron
LUKE AIR FORCE BASE, Ariz. --  "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." Shakespeare

October in the Valley of the Sun is a time for outdoor barbecues and football tailgating parties. But October is also Domestic Violence Prevention Month.

Domestic violence is one of those topics not often raised at those barbecues and tailgating parties. Yet, it is a fact. Domestic violence enters the lives of many in our larger community, and it is part of the lives of far too many at Luke Air Force Base. In fact, there is a strong possibility that a percentage of people at those barbecues and tailgating parties have experienced it.

We, in the Air Force community, define domestic violence as any nonaccidental emotional, physical, sexual, or neglectful act that results in a significant impact on the victim. In other words, violence in a family setting takes a variety of forms, all of them harmful.

Domestic violence came to America's public attention, to a great degree, during the 70s. It was, at this time, that the terms 'battered woman' and 'batterer' came to be used. Domestic violence was seen largely as a male-on-female phenomenon, with the consequent emergence of many of the related structures and systems, women's shelters, advocacy groups, etc. The image of the man as controlling, violent and dangerous and the woman as enabling and unable to separate came to dominate the field.

Although this type of domestic violence clearly exists and remains enormously dangerous and sometimes deadly, research and experience has shed light on other types or forms of domestic violence.

To start, research seems to indicate that, among all the forms of domestic violence, women are just as likely to offend or be perpetrators as men. Perhaps that is a shift over time, but it is the reality now.

Researchers have also identified several distinct types of domestic violence. Power and control remain the central dynamic of the first type, the coercive controlling pattern. One partner seeks to manage, overwhelm and dominate the other, be it emotionally, socially, financially, sexually or physically. Psychological oppression and manipulation is a central feature, and the victim often feels they are to blame for the violence and often feel "crazy."

Another type of domestic violence, violent resistance, also has power and control as a central dynamic, but in reverse. At some point, the victim of coercion and control will react, sometimes violently. After a long period of oppression and victimization, an explosion will occur. The victim will strike back in desperation and rage and the oppressor becomes the victim.

Thirdly, there is the situational type of domestic violence. Either partner commits the act that comes to the attention of authorities, but that singular act is often preceded by a downward spiral in the relationship over time. The act is the culmination of disagreements, fights, tensions, bad communication and stress. New relationships are especially vulnerable to this type. Being away from family and home, financial problems, young children, suspicions of infidelity, alcohol use, coupled with general inexperience and skills to cope, create fumes in the home that only need a match for an explosion.

Finally, the separation-instigated type of violence is identified; a couple splits up and the termination of the relationship is not taken well by one of the partners. Separation and break-ups of an intimate relationship are enormously difficult and they rarely occur without residual feelings. Breaking-up often strikes at the very center of a person's sense of self. The perception of being rejected or cast aside brings into question personal self-worth and may plunge a person into the worst depths of self-doubt and self-contempt. For some it is nearly unbearable. The reaction can often be rage either against the other person, or sometimes, tragically, rage turned inward, in the form of self-harm or suicide.

Having identified the various forms of domestic violence, the takeaway message is in Shakespeare's words, "the fault is within ourselves." Domestic violence has existed in all cultures since the time humanity first huddled around fires to stay warm. It is not alien to our human condition. Interpersonal conflict exists because we are human. We seek relationships and relationships are difficult. The struggle for love, intimacy and fulfillment in a relationship is a hard one. Relationships do not come ready-made. They often are forged in the fires of conflict. But it is relationship we seek because we were not fashioned to be absolutely alone. And so, we desire and keep trying to find that other, that person, with whom to be.

Another quality of being very human is the aspect of hope. We want more, and we want our lives to be better. We want to go beyond, to a place that is qualitatively "on the other side" of where we currently exist. In brief, we hope that the relationship we are in can be far more and far better, that we can actually reach a place of love, intimacy and fulfillment.

Fortunately, even in this, we are not alone. Our Luke community has many resources and tools. There are others who desire to assist and can share hope. There is no shame in being human, and there is no shame in seeking support and coaching. It may take work or it may just need a little fix. But it can be better.

Family advocacy has services that are confidential with providers who are expert in working with couples. There are also Airmen and Family Readiness, the chapel, the mental health clinic and a bucket full of other community resources.

Even though the discussion of domestic violence types is pertinent, we are not merely research examples and we are not merely "types." We are very human with profound relationship hopes and needs. And we might need a little help with that.